My Big Whinge
Wednesday, 9 March 2005
Forthwith I would like to give you a detailed whinge.
(There will be no sparing of profanities so children and old people who don't like that sort of thing should look away now)
Firstly, hopping everywhere sucks. It sucks my ass. It's like being in some kind of sadistic never ending sports day and it can fuck off.
Secondly which ever bastard designed this city had some kind of ridiculous satanic worship of steep steps. There is literally nowhere that is not blighted with these fuckers. If I could hold my crutches and a camera at the same time I would illustrate some of the worst offenders. ALL toilets are on some kind of alter. There is literally not one that does not have at least four steps up to the cubicles followed by three inside the bog itself. Finally when you get to the bog, especially if its in one of those manky chinese cess hole restaurants, you will find that once you've hopped all the way up to the bastard it's a fucking squat toilet. To imagine how great this is hop all the way up the stairs in your house on your left leg. Then smear your bathroom in shit and get some drunks to piss liberally around the floor, now wrap a bandage that you are not allowed to take off for two weeks around your right leg. Your challenge is now to hop up three slippy stairs, get your pants down and squat on your left leg (without touching the floor with your right). Done it?
You may now have a piss.
Your reward will be some foul boiled chinese mank, such as the delectable boiled chicken skin or fish heads, or perhaps sir would care for some lovely vegetable (singular and unidentifiable), This will be accompanied by rice which has been boiled for three days and a liberal sprinkling of bad chinese tasting grease. This is the only cheap food in Kuching.
The other great thing about my life at the moment is the way everyone looks at me like I am a slow motion car crash as I hop past them. A bloke came up to me yesterday and said "Why are you walking like that?" Why the fuck do you think I'm walking like this? You spotty twat I thought. Why have you let all of your front teeth rot until they fall out? " I just do it for fun." I said. This bloke then followed me looking genuinely puzzeled for about 5 minutes.
The final area for my whinge is the weather (all you English people can join in with this one in the comments). Monsoon rain, 35 degrees, it's like being in a fucking sauna. And the same bastard who loved the bloody steps also decided to make the paths (where there are any) tiled. This means they are nearly always are slippery as fish jism, and I can have the joy of my crutches slipping out beneath me and bashing my fucking ankle on the ground again.
Fucking Cunty Twat Fucks.
Whinging is fun. Why not join in?
On March 09, 2005, Dan said:
Told you so...
On March 09, 2005, Kev-La said:
And if I didn't have to slave away answering stupid bloody phones all the fucking time, I'd know why you're hobbling around everywhere like a demented non-pink flamingo. Gaaaaargh! Aaaaaaaah! That's actually a lot better - maybe there's something to this whinging lark after all. Laters :)
On March 09, 2005, Kenneth said:
Yeah, I agree. It's like a bloody sauna over here.
Oh for a bit of sleet eh?
On March 10, 2005, Catherine said:
Good Whinging Kev, keep it up. Those boss type fuckers can piss off too can't they?
Kenneth, whilst I appreciate that sarcasm is a traditional form of English whinging I would prefer something more visceral, try my toilet experiment and then give me some of your best swearing.
On March 10, 2005, Dan said:
Well, I have to spend all of my waking life at the service of a raging invalid. Woe is me..
On March 10, 2005, Catherine said:
Fuck off Dan
On March 10, 2005, Dan said:
Right then, no food for you for the next few days!